Holy moley what did I get myself into?

I've never claimed to have a green thumb - in fact, me in a greenhouse is usually grounds for a serial killer trial. Not a chartreuse, olive drab (that would be the hair story here), lime, khaki thumb, none of it. Not me. Uh nuh. So when I had my house built, I talked to a friend that is a landscaper - and he knows me. Knows that I need LOW maintenance. Like, lower than Flo-Rida's pants low. The house came with sod in the front, dirt in the back (kind of a house mullet?). So my friend put in a tree, couple of bushes, and some mulch. Fine. I went out and bought a couple of flats of annuals (who named them that, anyway, it's damn confusing) and promptly killed most of them because I didn't plant them right away. Who knew. Obviously not me. I had the best of intentions. That counts, right?

Next, the grass. I bought a bag that says it covers 1,000 sq. feet. My whole lot is 5,000 - so I figured that would be enough - got a cup, started throwing it out - and ran out not even halfway through. You would think that then I might have stopped? No. I go and get the 7lb bag that says it covers 3,000 sq. feet and use all that up. I think I got everywhere, I'm not sure. Next, I'm told to water the shit out of it - OK - so by watering the shit out of it, does that mean flood my yard? Because that's pretty much what I've done. And of course - I don't do it in the logical way, so every time I go to pick up the sprinkler (I have 3, none seem to be working correctly) I have to walk through MUD. One spigot is leaking (note to self, call home builder), my house is so close to my neighbors that I can't water the grass between the houses without watering both of our houses, his air conditioning unit, and all of our windows.

I keep finding puddles with grass seed floating in them. I feel like Frankenstein, outside yelling "LIVE!! LIVE!!! LIVE!!!"...

I may have planted sunflower seeds here up close to the house

those are vegetables, we'll see if they live

This is where the grass is - note how wet the ground is? Is that what "soak the shit out of it" means?? Oh, and at the corner of the filthy patio? That is a peony - I planted one at both outer corners. They'd better live, they're my favorites. I'll be pissed if they die. PISSED I tell you!



What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!?!?