Forgiveness....

My friends Erin and Pseudo have already done their Spin for the week - click through to click on their posts... and lots of others - here - Spin Cycle. 

Forgiveness is a tough one for me.  I know that it sets me free.  It lightens my load a bit.  Can I forgive and not forget?

I've had some, shall we say, interesting times in my life.  I have met the wrong guys, the wrong friends, some great guys, some great friends - too bad I couldn't tell the right from wrong at the right times. 
But...  I am a believer that it all balances out in the end.   Like karma.  Does wishing bad karma on someone have bad karma come back to get you?  I wonder.

Anyway.  I digress.
Anyone that knows me knows that the past few years have been challenging as far as forgiveness goes.  I was taken for a lot.  I trusted the wrong people.  How do I forgive someone that was instrumental in losing my home, the life I had, and people that I considered family?  She knew what she was doing.  She thought it was fun, like a game to her.   I may have lost it all anyway - but it was the fact that it was because of her that just made it worse.   I forgave my ex a long time ago - he knew no better.  Her?  Ugh.  I try and just be indifferent.  But wish her genital warts.  That's a step, right?

I trusted my son's father when he told me he loved me oh so many years ago.  I've raised the child we created on my own because he's a coward and couldn't/wouldn't grow a spine.  He hates me because I called him out on his shit and stood up for myself and refused to be treated like shit, and he takes that out on our son by having nothing to do with him.  Is that a forgivable offense?  I don't know.  It's hard to forgive someone that has the capacity to hurt someone that is so dear to me. 

Pat Monahan, from the band Train (one of my faves) blogged about letting go here (and it's a great blog, fun to read!). 

See, I know it's not just me.

Do I let it consume my life?  No.  Do I dwell on it?  Sometimes.   Do I think of doing things to get back?  Don't we all?  I just don't act on the thoughts.  That's progress, right?

Sigh...

I've admitted when I've been wrong and asked for forgiveness and gotten it - but none of the things I ever did were that bad.  But still, why can't it be that easy to give it?

I'm working on it.