As big as a WHAT??

Click the link to play along :)

Saturday 9: Self Esteem

1. How was your self esteem growing up?
Well, let's see - here are some memorable quotes:

My mother:  "Stop eating, you look like the side of a barn" Which, of course, led to more eating because what the hell, if I look like that already...

My sister:  "She's the pretty one in the family but she's fat"

Jens:  "You're just not special"... (you can read about him here)

Now?  I know I'm queen of the freaking universe.  Beauty isn't just on the outside - it's what is inside too, and Jens?  Suck it.  You weren't worth the dirt on the bottom of my shoe. 

2. Do you ever have a hard time with morals?  

 Morals schmorals... LOL  I've had a hard time in the past figuring out what's right and wrong, and sometimes I did things right, sometimes I didn't.  Now that I'm a "grown up"?  It's easier.  I have to set an example, and if I do wrong - explain why.   So while I used to have the morals of an alley cat (not really, that just sounds good doesn't it?) - I don't have a hard time with them any more.  I recognize others that are lacking in them, though.  Geez, who knew there were so many that, as adults, had NONE?  

3. Do you eat in bed? If yes, what? 

Really?  This is just a funny question...  LOLOLOLOL   Have you watched 9 1/2 weeks lately?  Or read 50 Shades of Grey?  You dirty dirty boy.... 

4. What was the last movie you hated and why? 

Hmmm.... I walked out on Amadeus.  I thought it was boring.  That could really be the last one.. 

5. Have you ever felt that you lost it all? If yes, explain. 

Never.  I've felt like I'm in the swirling vortex of a whirlpool, but always end up catching a life preserver just in time.  I've got the love of my son, my friends and most members of my family - so even if I lost all of my material possessions?  I'd still have all that.  So in that respect - I'm rich.  

6. Have you ever been stalked? 

Oh, my God.  Yes.  It was creepy, dude!!  My ex, JFA, used to drive by my house and beep.  Now, here's the weird thing - I lived on a dead end street with 5 houses.  NO reason for him to be there.  It took me copying the Massachusetts statue on stalking and sending it to him with a note that he should read it, and if he failed to understand - that I'm sure that the police department could explain it to him.  And to GO THE FUCK AWAY.  I even told him that when it came time to do his 12 steps - he should consider himself forgiven already.   No need to contact me for it or to make amends.  The guy was a highly functioning alcoholic, and thought nothing of drinking and driving - and lashing out when he was jonesing for a drink.  Buh bye...  Last I heard - he'd been arrested twice for OUI and once for violating a restraining order - looking in another ex's windows.  I think I got away fairly unscathed and for that, I'm thankful.   

7. Do you believe in 'self help' for problems, or do you prefer therapy? 

Shit, I'll take whatever help I can get - know anybody that deals in "how to fuck up your sibling relationships in 20 moves or less"?  I know of at least 3 people other than myself that can use that course...  I have to admit, though, that my son's therapist told me this week he has a wee bit of a crush on me.  He thinks I'm a kick-ass single parent and loves the way I deal with stuff.  Now if only others could seem to get that.. LOL 

8. What celebrity do you think should make a run for office?
None of them.  I think they should all stick to what they know best, and put a woman in the President's office - THAT will show everyone how to kick ass, not to fuck with someone having a hot flash AND how to balance a budget.  Guys are dumb. 

9. Do you believe in happy endings? (We do. That why this is the last question!)

God, I hope so!  I'm still looking for mine! 

Perception vs. Reality

A friend of mine attended this Life Class at the Oprah studios in Chicago yesterday -
Hard Conversations and how to have them

I got to thinking about my situation - or situations...   I've been upset with my father for what seems forever.  He isn't the type of father that is there on a day to day basis - great in an emergency, don't get me wrong, and he takes my son for a week each summer - but not there like the typical father/grandfather.  He's more there for my stepsister and her family - but I think that has lots to do with my stepmother and her being that kind of mother to her kids, if that makes sense.  I graduated from college last year - and he called.  That was wonderful.  Never sent a congratulations card.  No gift.  Nothing else than a phone call.  And that hurt, I'll admit it.  In 8 years he's come out to visit me once.  And that was when I was living in a million dollar house, and they came for 2 days and he was more interested in the price of real estate around me rather than what was going on in my life.   I get mad when he forgets my birthday.  It's happened for years.  And yesterday - I stopped.  Why do I continue to bang my head against the wall?  He is not going to change.  What needs to change are my expectations.  My perception is that my father is someone that really does care, and wants to be there, he just forgets a lot.  Reality is - he cares, in his own way, and not the way I want him to.  I have to wrap my head around that.  He is never going to change.  He is happy the way he is - *I* am the one with the problem.  Seriously - I'm 46.  You think I would have gotten that by now? 

He refuses to step into the shitstorm between my siblings and I.  Said we're all adults, etc. and that he doesn't want to get involved or take sides.  My perception is that he kind of has already.  Reality?  I don't know.  I'm just sick of all of it and want the whole thing to be over. 

Perception?  My life is wonderful, my kid is wonderful, I love everything and everyone....

Reality?  My life is good - not great - but good.  I can't stand my job - it's so below my skill level my brain is going to mush.  I'm actually writing this AT work - so you can tell how busy I am.  Even when I have work to do these days, I wait until the last minute to get it done.  My kid isn't wonderful - he's a pain in the ass.  He's manipulative, spoiled and needs a swift kick in the ass.  I'm working on that.  :)  I love everything and everyone?  Come on now - anyone that knows me knows that's just bullshit.

Happy Thursday ~

Maybe I'm the one... who is....

Saturday 9: Touch Me in the Morning

1. Who or what sleeps with you?

My cat..  or my kid... I usually kick them both out - I'm used to sleeping alone and I like it, dammit! 

2. Last time you saw your high school best friend?
Julie-Julie bo Bulie!  Um.... last time I was "home" I think.  I usually try and meet up with her.  Next time will be in June!

3. What do you do when you're sad?

Play Bejeweled.  Cry.  Have a big old pity party for myself. 

4. What do you wear when you are relaxing around the house?

Sweats and a t-shirt.  Hey!  That's what I have on right now!

5. What did you do immediately after high school?

I was told I had 30 days to get a full time job or I'd be kicked out of the house.  Oh, and I had to start paying increased room & board.  Thanks Mary.  You were such an inspiration...

6. Is anyone on your bad side right now?

I have a bad side?  I know the left side doesn't always work, but I wouldn't refer to it as "bad" per say...

7. What's the first thing you do when you get online?

Look up your Mom.  Seriously.  Nah - I check my email.

8. What jewelry are you wearing?

Is this a trick question?  I don't have a penis, so there's no ring..  My diamond necklace. 

9. Post a current song that you like. (Or name it and tell us why you like it.)

Because it's fun -  :)

I always feel like... somebody's watching me...

Sunday Stealing: The Get Out of Jail Free Meme, Part One

1.  When you're home alone, do you still close the door when you use the restroom?
Nope.   I don't spray either. 

2. If you have to go grocery shopping, would you rather go alone or with someone?
Depends.  Sometimes it's fun with a partner in crime, sometimes you just want to get a couple of things and it's quicker alone.

3. It's your best friends birthday, would you buy them a gift even though they didn't buy you one for yours
Yup.  My friends and I are good like that.  Sometimes we do gifts, sometimes we don't.  Depends on whether we're "rich" that week or not.  LOL
4. You win the lottery. Lump sum or small payments over a period of time? Why?
Lump sum, baby.  Then I can disappear. 
5. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
Depends on the music.  Like AC/DC's "Thunder" should be played at max sound, as should a number of ZZ top songs..  but music like Kenny G or even Taylor Swift?  Not so much..
6. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?
Gimme a beach chair, a book and a shore and I am good to go.  :)

Mimi's Delicious Mess

My friend Kim has decided to dip her toe into the bloggy waters... check her out!  :)

Mimi's Delicious Mess: Recently, I've been feeling the need to do "someth...: Recently, I've been feeling the need to do "something" with myself that involves a little communication and/or self-expression. Recently, ...