Sunday, July 28, 2013

What’s the easiest thing to ever do? Scare my friend Kathy Norris.. She jumps at anything

This week's questions come from a defunct blog called Tense Teacher.

Massive Alphabet Meme, part one

The Letter A  
Are you agnostic?  I don't think your age?  Nunya.  That'd be nunya freaking bidnessWhat annoys you?  People that ask my age and if I'm agnostic..  

The Letter B
Do you like bacon?  Mmmmmmm here piggie piggie piggie
When is your birthday?   United Nations DayWho is your best friend?  I have a few besties..  Not naming them all.  I'm not sure if you know this, but people?  They like me.  
The Letter C  
What is your favorite candy?  Not a huge fan.  But chocolate covered peanuts usually attract my attention.. 
 Who is your crush?  Seriously?  What are we?  12?
When was the last time you cried?  When I read the question before this.

The Letter D
Do you daydream?  Um... pink bunnies and unicorns?

 What is your favorite kind of dog?   Either a lab or golden retriever  
What day of the week is it?  The day before you get your ass to the store and buy a calendar, ya lazy bastid 
The Letter E  
How do you like your eggs?  Over medium  
Have you ever been in the emergency room?   I worked in one for years, so yeah...  want to hear some stories?  LOL  
What’s the easiest thing to ever do?  Scare my friend Kathy Norris..  She jumps at anything
The Letter F  
Have you ever flown in a plane?  Commercial and private.  How's that for an answer? 
Do you use fly swatters?  Only on your head  
Have you ever used a foghorn?  Longhorn foghorn?   
The Letter G 
Do you chew gum?  Nope.  My grandmother told me ladies do NOT chew gum  
Ever tried gazpacho?  yes.  didn't like it much.  
Are you a giver or taker?  Depends on what's being given or taken.  I'm a good sharer, I am..
The Letter H 
How are you?  Fine, how are you?  What is this, a trick question?
What’s your height?  Taller than a breadbox, but shorter than the Eiffel Tower
What color is your hair?  Depends.  My hair now, or my natural color?  And do the carpets match the drapes?  I need clarification please..
The Letter I  
What is your favorite ice-cream?  Anything with nuts in it.  Chocolate covered, if possible, please.  Mmmmmmm.... great.  Now I want ice cream..
Have you ever ice-skated?   Rink and pond.  Really now, that's a silly question.
 Do you play an instrument? Not any more.  I played flute from 4th grade all the way to high school.  I can also play chopsticks on the piano, does that count?

The Letter J   
What is your favorite jelly bean? The kind that I don't have to eat.
  Do you wear jewelry?   Is the pope Catholic?  What are you doing, casing the joint?
  Have you heard a really hilarious joke?  A few times..
The Letter K 
Whom do you want to kill? Hah!  Like I'd put THAT on the interwebbies... 
Do you want kids? Well, shit.  I hope so.  Otherwise that kid in the other room is screwed..
 Where did you go to kindergarten?  Kindergarten.  That's where.  I learned my abc's and 123's there :)

The Letter L 
Are you laid-back?  Does a bear shit in the woods?
  Do you lie?  Look.  I still believe that mothers shouldn't know everything.....
  Do you love anyone?  Love like, "I LOVE YOU MAN" or love like I want to swap precious bodily fluids with you?   There are too many variations of love.  Some - yes.  Some - not so much..
The Letter M 
What is your favorite movie?  The one where I get to take a nap
Do you still watch Disney movies?   Disney is going PG-13 these days..
Do you like mangoes?  EVERYBODY love the mango! 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Your stupid phone calls are interrupting my Candy Crush..

Saturday 9: So Much to Say

Thanks to Kelly for recommending The Dave Matthews Band. (Hear it here.) 
*Thanks Kelly - I heart Dave.  I've seen him so many times it's ridonkulous... once with James Brown at Madison Square Garden.  3rd Row.  Ahhhhhh... those were the days..
1) The lyrics refer to a baby's "one year of crying." When was the last time you cried ... felt weepy ... or at least teared up?
Oh Jesus, I cry at Hallmark commercials.  I was crying in a dream the other night.  I was remembering my aunt Harriet's funeral.  That was killer.  
2) Let's lighten it up a little. When was the last time you laughed really hard? 
I almost peed my pants once.  Wait.  I did pee my pants once.  My friend Kim and I are so in tune - we can make each other laugh like that with just a word or even a look.   I laugh often.  It's a good thing.  My friend at work, Davida - she likes to tell me what is going on in the bathroom while she's in there.  That makes me laugh my ass off.  Sometimes it's so inappropriate that I can't repeat.  I'm glad we're friends like that.  LOL
3) Do you have "so much to say" that hasn't been said yet? Tell us if you owe someone a phone call, note, email or text.
Nope.  I missed last week from the meme's though.  I've been busy, shit to do - places to go, people to see, stuff like that.  I'm surprised at how busy I've been!  Oh and I have a new obsession.  The Walking Dead.  I'm almost through season 2.  How I didn't get hooked on this before, I'll never know.  
4) Earlier this summer, Dave took a bike ride before a show and his tire blew out. He didn't have a cell phone with him and was afraid of missing that night's performance. Fortunately two fans -- driving to see Dave Matthews Band in concert -- recognized him by the side of the road and gave him a ride to the show. Share a recent act of kindness you either did, or received. 
I love to pay for the person behind me in the drive through line.  Especially if they look like they're having a bad day.  And then I take off really really fast so they can't thank me.  :)
5) Before he hit it big, Dave Matthews was a bartender. What job did you have right before the one you have now?
 Court clerk.  I actually thought about doing a blog about "Shit Defendants Say"... It would be a killer, and I could probably retire on the royalties from the TV show.  But alas, now I just get "can you tell me so-and-so's phone number?"  Oh, the one you were sent a letter about SIX MONTHS AGO that you never read????  Sure...  How about you write it down this time, your stupid phone calls are interrupting my Candy Crush game..
6) The Dave Matthews Band recorded an album live at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, in the mountains near Denver. Is there a trip to the mountains in your future?
Oh, I wish..  I'd love to go back to the left coast, or even inland from there.  I am headed to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan next month.  There are great hills there.  :)
  7) Do you suffer from hay fever or allergies? 
Nope.  I don't think I'm allergic to anything.  Well, except men that have a penis coming out of their forehead, that is.  What is the plural of penis, anyway?
8) What's in your pocket right now?
A wocket..
9) American Express promotes "Small Business Saturday," and encourages us to shop at local, independent retailers. Is there a shop, boutique or restaurant in your town that you're particularly fond of?
I love to shop local.  Eggs, chicken, stuff like that.  I don't do much shopping at the big names stores at all, really.  Mostly local, most of the time.  

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Yes. That's right. I have Ted Williams' cryogenic frozen head in my freezer.

This week's questions come from Shopafreakingholic and it was stolen there as well, but the search doesn't go back any farther.

30.] What brand of batteries do you usually get?
31.] Are any of your friends pregnant or have kids?  
Seriously.  I'm in my 40's.  This is a dumb question.  That's like asking a construction worker if he knows anyone that has a hammer.  Jeez luiz...
32.] What is in your medicine cabinet?
Well, how about first - I don't have a medicine cabinet.  I keep my drugs well hidden, thank you.  The tank on the back of the toilet.. The secret cabinet under the stairs..  You know.  Places like that.  
33.] What's your favorite aspect of the natural world?  
Ahhhhhhhhhh that I'm in it?  What the hell kind of question is that?
34.] What's your favorite man made thing?  
The wheel.  Gets me places much faster than Ugga Booga dragging me by my long hair.  Oh wait - I cut that off.  LOL
35.] Can you whistle properly?  
Define a proper whistle... 
36.] What song do you think is the most widely heard in the world?  
Not sure - but I can tell you that it's not one by Justin Bieber.   He's an ass.  Who should go away.  
37.] Where's the strangest place a fast food restaurant was located?
In my pants.  What kind of question is that.  What do you expect for an answer?  In the middle of a corn field?  Then it would be run by Malachai and his murderous friends, and they would serve the murdered as a Quarter Pounder with cheese?  Look where my mind goes when you ask these questions!
38.] What states surround your state? Or are you not land locked?
I'm on top of Indiana and Illinois, but then the rest is all lake, baby!
39.] Do you own binoculars or monoculars? What do you use them for?  
Was this written in the stone ages?  Who the hell has a set of monoculars any more?  Who doesn't have some kind of binoculars.  Dumb. Dumb.  Dumb.  
40.] Do you ever wish you had a telescope on the roof or attic to stargaze? 
I've never been in my attic and the roof is slanted.  So I would say NO to both.  What I do have, however, is a Jeep.  That I can drive into the middle of a field, and after picking up the aforementioned quarter pounder with cheese that used to be little Bill - I can look up and see all the stars I want.

41.] What's your favorite chocolate bar? 
The one that doesn't put any more fat on my ass.

42.] Do you fall asleep easy in cars? How about planes, trains and boats? 
No.  But planes?  All I have to do is open my book and I'm out like a light.  LOL
43.] Would you rather live a year of your life in every major country or stay in the same place you live forever without vacations?
That's dumb!  Eventually you'd run out of countries - what do you do then?  Go back?
44.] What will you not tolerate in a person?  
Ignorance.  Makes me crazy.  
45.] Do you forgive others easier or yourself? Why is this?  
Others. For the most part.  Didn't you ever read my post on forgivenessMaybe you should..
46.] How was God made, if he exists?
47.] Have you ever done aqua aerobics or polo?  
No.  They're dumb.  
48.] What age were you when you learned how to swim?
Probably when I was tossed into the ocean as a young child... Really, I have no idea.
49.] What shows or characters scared you as a child?
Nothing.  I was afraid of Mary.  LOL
50.] Do you stay up all night on New Years Eve/Day or go to bed after 12am?  
Meh.... Depends on what I'm doing.  
51.] What's something unusual currently in your fridge?  
I don't think so.  Milk, food, yogurt, mmm sesame noodles.  That's all.  Just stuff.
52.] How about your freezer?
What are you getting at?  Yes.  That's right.  I have Ted Williams' cryogenic frozen head in my freezer.  
53.] What could you be doing now that is more productive?  
Taking a shower.  Cleaning.  Probably just about anything.
54.] Give me some lyrics from the song that's stuck in your head
B A Bay.. B E Bee B I Bicky Bi B O Bo Bicky Bi Bo B U Bu Bicky Bi Bo Bu
put that in your pipe and smoke it!
55.] What's your favorite type of firework?
The ones that *don't* go off in my hand. 

if you knew Mary - you know it was HELL, not hell

Thanks to Carielle for recommending this great song.

1) When she first burst onto the scene, Pink was a self-proclaimed tomboy. Now she's glam. Literally. She was on the cover of the June issue of Glamour and is a spokeswoman for Covergirl cosmetics. Does a celebrity endorsement increase your interest in a product?
Nope.  I don't care who endorses something - it's whether or not I liked it.  And I remember reading one time that a celebrity had to actually use the product to endorse it.  Like the hair color ones?  All they had to do was do one chunk of hair - and they could endorse it.  And have the rest colored professionally.  So just because they endorse something doesn't mean they actually use it.  They just get it free.   Whatever.  I'd say something was great if I could get it free.  OH MY GOD.  Did you see that Porsche just go by?!  That's MINE.  I endorse it!  See?  Just like that.  LOL

2) This song is about a woman who feels her lover slipping away. Do you believe a couple can repair a relationship once it starts to sour?
Depends on why it soured.  Did it sour because he was a cheating scumbag with a giant penis coming out of his forehead (and a little one in his pants that he used to think with)?  Then no.  If it soured because they got caught up in life and forgot to talk to each other?  Then yes.  If it's something big - like "Oh, I forgot to mention when we got married 3 years ago that I hate children, and got a vasectomy when I was 18" soured?  Then.  No.  See?  There's differences...
3) As a little girl, Pink wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. If you could excel (or, if you do excel) at any sport, which one?
I am thoroughly convinced that if I could have done a split and didn't get thrown out of Kathy Corrigan's dance studio because of that, then I would have been more limber and flexible and as a result - more popular with the boys in high school.  Yeah.  

4) Pink is married to motorcycle pro Carey Hart. Have you ever ridden really fast on a motorcyle?
The ONE time I was on a motorcycle when I was a teenager, my friend's brother took me for a ride.  We had to avoid all different areas of town because if my mother saw me there would be hell to pay.  And if you knew Mary - you know it was HELL, not hell.  There was a wee bit of a tyrant living inside her.  Couldn't go to Park Ave - my mother might see us..  couldn't go through the square - my mother might see us.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  We pull back up to JC's so he could drop me off - who pulls up next to us?  My mother.  And yeah - there was HELL to pay.  She yelled at him, yelled at me, yelled at anyone that would listen.  U. G.  L.  Y.  not pretty.  
5) When she found out she was pregnant, Pink says she gave up whiskey and cigarettes … but admits she misses the whiskey. Do you have a habit you know you should break?
Probably crack.  Cause you know, crack is whack.  I know I should quit smoking.  I'm working on it.  And I should probably clean my house more.  It's never going to look all put together like some people's houses.  Really.  Who spends all that time making sure everything is in it's place, and there is a place for everything.  I love chaos.  LOL
6) In 2010, she fell out of the aerial harness that was supposed to carry her across the stage. Are you afraid of heights?

Well no, but I wouldn't put my ass up in an aerial harness any time soon.  That's even more whack than crack!

7) Pink enjoys showing off her tattoos. Do you have any body art?
Yup.  And I'm going to get another one.  
8) Pink can be very salty in her language. When was the last time you cursed?
Are you fucking kidding me?  Jesus, Mary and the carpenter (as my late mother used to say, God rest her soul)...  That's pretty funny.  Like the Gal herself says - I'm like Nancy Drew with a potty mouth.  
9) On her website, Pink sells 10 different t-shirts. Do you have a favorite t-shirt? What does it look like/say?
It's my tailgate shirt from my friend Rich's memorial tailgate.  He was cool.  Therefore the shirt is also cool.  As am I when I wear it.  

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Little balls, please

The Wackadoo Meme, part 1

**this is the 2nd time I'm filling this out, those interwebby bastards somehow deleted it the first time. Grrrrrr

This week's questions come from Shopafreakingholic and it was stolen there as well, but the search doesn't go back any farther.

1.] What age is your youngest aunt?
  My aunt Margie is the only living blood relative, I'm not sure how old she is.  

2.] Do you miss someone right now?

Yeah.  My last post that I filled everything out in.  Fucker.  

3.] What can you see North West to you?

I'm in the room of the house that is most south east.  But speaking of North West - does the birth of that child make Kim's vajayjay the North West Passage?

4.] Do you like bowling?

Little balls, please.

5.] Can you pronounce Italian words?

Bu Fungula?  Manicotti.  Lasagne.  Pizza-pie-a.  La Cosa Nostra.  You like horses?

6.] Do you prefer black or beige coloured jackets?


7.] Do you own a hoodie?

Yes, and a machete.  If you ever see me with both at the same time, you'd better run like a motherfucker.  

8.] Do you like roasting marshmallows on a bonfire?

Who doesn't?

9.] Do you like cheesy puffs?

Does cheese have balls?

10.] What's your name without vowels?


11.] How many layers of clothing are you wearing?

It's 76 degrees and 150% humidity - the least amount possible I can get away with without burning my neighbors' eyeballs.

12.] When was the last time you got a take away? What did you have?

I've never been taken away, but one time my friend Kathy Dooley tried to sell me to a cab driver.

13.] If you could climb any mountain or range which would you choose?

That one.  Over there.  I'm having a hot flash, there better be snow up there you bastards.

14.] Do you alphabetically arrange anything in your room? What?

Exactly.  What?  Who does that shit?

15.] Have you ever visited fat-pie [dot] [com]?

No, but you know now I'm going to.  Fabulous.  Did you just call me fat again?  Bastard.

16.] Do you prefer sweet or sour fruits?

Mega Warhead Sour Patch Kids.  Yum.  

17.] Do you like Flo Rida? Which song of his?

He's a doofus.  But some of the songs are catchy.

18.] How are your dancing skills?

I can hold my own.  I do the "clean your butt with a towel" dance a lot.

19.] What is your favorite number?

Hah.  19.  

20.] Describe your best friend to me?

She's freaking awesome.  Which is why she's my besty.

21.] What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

Yeah.  None.  Still abstaining.  Damn pirates.

22.] Do you do any sports or have you done any sport professionally?

I played softball a couple of years ago.  Fun stuff.

23.] What is your ringtone?

That one.  But if the boy calls?  It's Stewie, saying "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mom.  Mom"

24.] Do you like chilli flavoured chips/crisps?

That sounds nasty.

25.] Do you curl or straighten your hair?

My hair is so fine and straight it's ridonkulous.  I curl it once in a while, though.

26.] What's the nicest smell of shampoo?

The part that smells?  That's silly.  Peter Coppolla NY Argan Oil.  It's my favorite right now.

27.] What smell turns you on? How about turns you off?

Clean.  Dirty.  How's that?

28.] Who's your favorite comedian?

Gilda.  All the way.  Not all the way with Gilda, but damn she was funny.  I miss her.

29.] RnB or Reggae?

Why not a mixture of both?

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Because I love to know shit..

Saturday 9: Dedicated to the One I Love

Thanks to Diana for recommending the Mamas and the Papas. (You can listen to the song here.)

1) The lyrics include the line, "Love can never be exactly what we want it to be." Are you happy with your love life?
Oh Jesus.. Do I REALLY need to answer this?  Oh, wait.  There are a couple of prospects on the horizon actually.  It's starting to look up!  It could be better - but it could also be worse.  :)
2) Another lyric is, "Each night before you go to bed, whisper a little prayer for me." Do you say your prayers?
Oh dear God, please let me just get through this and I swear I promise, I mean it this time!  I will go to church EVERY Sunday.  Saturday too!    Oh.  Wait.  No.  Not really.  I say a little prayer every once in a while for someone that is sick or dying, but I can't ask for something when I don't give in return. 

3) Mama Michelle and Papa John were married in real life. It didn't end well -- not for the couple and not for the band. Do you believe you could work successfully with a romantic partner?
Nope.  Ever hear the expression "don't shit where you eat"?  Perfect analogy for it. 
4) After the band broke up, Michelle tried her hand at acting and eventually became a regular on the nighttime soap, Knott's Landing. Of course, she could live off of her music royalties while she learned her new craft. If money was no object, what career would like to try?
Private Investigator.  I love to know shit.  I know shit now.  But I want to know more shit.  
5) There is a famous rumor -- completely false -- that Mama Cass died while eating a ham sandwich. Can you think of another urban legend? 
Richard Gere.  Hampster.  'Nuff said.
6) In the 1960s, every high school girl wanted to wear her hair like Michelle and Cass -- long and straight. Can you recall a fashion trend from your school days?
Elementary?  I had a rocking pair of plaid bell bottoms.  Red plaid.  I thought I was cool.  Junior High?  Feathers in your ears.  High school?  Smoking.  So far I've rid myself of 2 of the 3.  Working on the 3rd.  
7) With the Fourth of July falling on Thursday, are you able to enjoy a looooong four-day holiday weekend?
No.  Shut up.  Longest work day EVER.  Blech..
8) Many communities have parades to celebrate Independence Day. Have you ever ridden on a float or marched in a parade?
Marched in a few back in my HS band days, and actually rode in the one this week, tossing candy at all the little munchkins.  I only gave the ones that weren't acting like animals the ring pops.  Those were like gold.  LOL
9) In honor of the Fourth of July, name your favorite Founding Father.
John Quincy Adams, of course :)