Saturday, October 27, 2012
This may be a bit lengthy, so either pull up a chair, grab a cuppa - or come back when you have time :)
What is forgiveness? Is it forgetting, or just letting go of things that have happened in the past? Is it coming to a point in your life when you realize that hanging on to resentments, or still wishing something bad upon someone is just silly and it takes up more of your time than necessary? Is it seeing things realistically? Does this person even care if I ever forgive them? Do they even know if or why I'm mad at them?
Lewis B. Smedes wrote in his book, Forgive and Forget, "When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself." I think that this is partly true. Who has resentment hurt? Them? I don't think so. Although they've missed out on having me in their life - and really, that is a shame, because I'm a pretty cool person - they have moved on and are living their lives.
I'm about a month late for Yom Kippur, but then again, I'm not Jewish. Catholics are all about forgiveness, and looking for it from God for all of our transgressions. I guess I'll find out when I die whether I've been forgiven or not. Here is a link to a great NY Times article from 2010 on forgiveness. While it's religious in nature, there are some good points. Do I want revenge? Meh... I used to. But I've come to realize that my wanting it and it happening are probably two different things. Plus, I'm a big believer in karma. I've seen it first hand. I wrote a post before about forgiveness - Here. I've written posts about karma. I wrote a long one about how karma has come back to bite me in the ass, and I knew what it was, and I accepted it. I deserved it - it was wished upon me - I can't find it - but I know it's there somewhere.
I had a dream last night about it. And then I was talking to my friend Angie today about something that had nothing to do with any of this, and then she was talking about some radio show that she had been listening to - about forgiveness. Weird. Then someone else brought it up. It was kind of a sign...
So. Here goes.
Jocelyn? I forgive you. I think of your life, and where you were and where you are now - and you have done what you needed to in order to get there. You went from being evicted from a trailer park to owning your own home. You found someone to take care of you and your kids - and that's what you told me you'd do. I think that it's sad you crawled over quite a few people to get there, but it's not my issue. It's not my problem, you're not my problem - and I have faith that karma will get you some day. So for what you did to me? For what you did to my kid? I forgive you.
Theo? You really don't need forgiveness - you really had no clue what was going on. I still don't think you did/do. But I'll forgive you for walking away from Josh. You just didn't know any better. I wish you happiness in your life, and friends that are true and don't care about your money. I never did, and I hope you get that some day.
Kevin? Ugh. Maybe I'm not quite there with him yet. But I think his karma is hitting him. I know that he looks like shit - very unhealthy - he's a big fat bigot (he wasn't like that when I was with him), and not many like or respect him - not to mention the fact that he lives with a psycho. She's really cuckoo for cocoa puffs, and he's probably scared to pee without her permission. LOL
To my siblings? I get that it's easier to take your anger and frustrations out on me, because I'm further away. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but I forgive you for treating me as if I did. Same with you, Dad. I feel bad because there are others that are by-products of all this, and it's not fair to them.
Does this mean that I want to hang out with any of them? Hells no. I can forgive, but that doesn't mean we have to be friends. It just means that I just don't care any more - I'm not letting anger and resentment eat at me any more. I like sleep - and I've gotten some of the best sleep the past few weeks. Why? Because I have a clear conscience, and I know I'm a good person. I've made peace with myself.
Enjoy the day..